Agents, walking around in their cheap suits, slicked back hair and sway back boots. They make me sick. Where do they get off pretending to be rock stars and hobnobbing with the elite when in reality they are no-talented parasites riding on the coat tails of the artistic brilliance of others! They are no more than puffed up salesmen.

Agents take all the glory and no responsibility. If the gig goes well they are on the phone sprouting off to the venue management. If the gig goes poorly they are on the phone to the venue management blaming the band. If they make a mistake they blame it on the band. If they send you to the wrong venue, then you got it wrong cause there is no way in hell that they could have given you wrong information.

So screw them all. Why should up and coming young bands fork out their hard earned cash to agents, paying ridiculous commissions of up to 20%. Well I’ll tell you why. Because they have the contacts, they have the venues; they have it all sown up, right? Wrong! Ok maybe they do have some venues but they don’t have all of them.

So let’s bypass these bottom feeders and do our own promotion. Yes! That’s right. Get off your arse and promote yourself. Here is what you should do:

• Get a good bio of the band with pictures, history and a song list.
• Get posters made and get them professionally done by a graphic artist.
• Get a good demo tape with at least three of your songs.
• Get a video of the band playing somewhere.
• Make a website and put all of the above on it.

When you have all of the stuff listed above (called a media kit), approach venues where you would like to play and think you have a chance of playing at. Don’t waste your time trying to get booked at the Carnegie Hall when you couldn’t fill your own garage with an audience.

When you talk to the entertainment managers or managers of venues, sell the band. Don’t take no for an answer. Be flexible with payment even offer to play for free if it means more gigs down the track. Some venues have audition nights where bands go and play for free and the good ones get invited back with pay.

Be creative in your approach. Remember you are bypassing the agent so you are saving yourself the agent commission. Why not offer the agent commission directly to the entertainment manager of the venue. A little bit of bribery goes a long way, hehe.

Or do a door deal. You play for free and get someone, a girlfriend or a groupie (do they still have groupies now? Maybe not all the sluts these days are celebrities) or your Mum, to stand on the door and collect $5 from everyone who comes in. At least it should pay for your PA and lighting. The venue will still make money over the bar.

Or you might be able to do a deal where you get a percentage of the night’s takings. Venues make a lot of money selling drinks so this could be quite lucrative.

And remember when you get the first gig at a venue, bring your own audience. Invite all your friends, relatives (even the old ones, even the dead ones), acquaintances, even people you don’t like and even people you don’t know. Do your own advertising. Pack the place out. Apart from having a great night the venue will make bucks on the drinks and will have you come back and play again.

Also don’t pretend to be a rock star. Make friends with those at the gig you don’t know and invite them to your next gig. That’s how you get a following. And that’s how you get more gigs, drawing a crowd.

This might be old fashioned basic advice from an old coot like me but it is tried and true, tested over many years. You can do it all yourself and stick it right up the damn agents.

Axel